Oh the things that go though my head...... First lets start at the beginning. This cold is kicking my ass or it is my little girls who thinks it is play time at 3am. Either way it is bullsh@t and I need some sleep!!! I was good today, I did my workout and was feeling pretty good. All of a sudden I got this weird feeling that my Aunt (who has been really sick) was not doing good and something was wrong. I called my mom and she told me she was not doing good at all. She has lung problems and her co2 levels were really high and her h2o was really low. Well I guess they took her off oxygen and she passed! She was only 63. She was my grandma's sister. She was a great and feisty lady. She loved to have a good time, the world is a darker place without her!!
So we all knew this was going to happen one day, her lungs were really bad and she has been in the hospital for a week or so. So after grieving for awhile... I start thinking crap, I am still fat and I am going down there still fat. I am really tired of being fat and not having cute clothes to ware. Then I am doing this 6 week workout program and I start thinking... Crap this is going to put me back a week or so, and what if I eat like crap down in OK ( that is were she lived). Mind you I am eating like crap up here at home, I know damn well I will eat sh*t down there. I mean really what is wrong with me???? Why can't I do something about this little hungry monster inside of me?!?!?
Worrying about my weight is the last thing I want to think about right now. I just lost my Aunt, someone I loved very much. I shouldn't have to have these little thoughts going though my head. Life is hard enough without worrying about my weight. So way can't I get control, really why, I need to know!!! This should be something easy compared to all the other crap in my life I deal with!!!!
So I have to go to wal-mart to get the girls food to eat while I am gone. So what do I do when I am on my way home, yes that is right.... I go and get a McFlurry. Really normal people don't eat and think like this, do they??? See what the problem is I do think normal people do eat like this, I think normal, skinny people eat whatever they want when they want. Then I start thinking well if they can, I deserve it also. The fact is people don't eat what they want when ever they want it. The people I want to be like get off there ass and move and don't eat crap. The people I want to be like eat to live NOT live to eat!!!!
So the good new is I believe my mind is starting to change but I still bet I will have another McFlurry the first chance I get!!! Other good news, I did my workout today and I will do it tomorrow! I was also thinking I will take my little portable dvd player and do my workout down there! I ate pretty good today, until tonight so.....
My goals for tomorrow....
1. clean my darn house!!!!!!
2. do some laundry so I have something to wear when I leave!!!!
3. DRINK WATER!!!!!
4. Do my workout, and my ab workout!!!
5. pack
6. 10000 steps!!!
There was a time when all I thought about was food. In college I would buy a Safeway carrot cake every single day. I would eat it for lunch so I thought it was okay. Still today when I make cookies or brownies or anything like that I want to eat the whole pan or batch in one sitting. It's like I HAVE to eat the entire batch so it won't tempt me any longer. There was a period when Preston and I would make peanut butter cookies with the hershey kiss every night. It got to the point where I would only allow myself to make half of the batch, but I was still eating 5-8 cookies per night. Honestly, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I don't know how to make yourself stop eating the bad, but wonderful junk food. I think it has to come to a point where you say okay I AM going to conquor this and I am NOT going to fail. Then before you know it you have eaten good for 1 week. So you allow yourself a cheat meal. Which while eating it you hope to god you will have the determination to eat clean at your next meal. It is a vicious cycle, but I think if you can get close to the end result or start seeing tiny success along the way and pounds dropping saying NO to the very loud voice in your head gets easier. If it were up to me I would bake every singe day and not eat vegetables by pasta, pizza and calzones. But I know if I want to get to my goal weight and feel the way I am wanting to feel I have to make the sacrifice today or these 20 days because day 21 when I weigh in I will be sooo proud of myself. SO know that it is just not you, we all struggle everyday.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your aunt Amie. Hope you all hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI didn't see these new posts on Facebook, did I miss them?
You know those Weight Watchers commercials with the little orange monster? Well he sits in the cubicle next to me and taunts me all day. Then he waves me over to the brownies behind the teller line. Later, he's singing to me from across the bank parking lot at Taco Bell. This is my life. Anyway, good luck with your eating. It is a struggle for us all.
~Monica