Why be negative?

So I am so tired of being negative and only seeing the negative I do and not all the good! When I lost all that weight in high school, I remember always looking for the unexpective in the day. The part of the day, that was not planned and you didn't see coming. Now I know I have tried to do this before and when you are a stay at home mom, and never go anywhere, that is so hard to do! I am going to try, even if it is so little. It is something other to focus on than being heavy and life it self! I am here to inspire myself and maybe others NOT to bitch about the things that I can change and just don't want to!! That is the fact, I can change and I just don't want to. That is a hard thing to adment, it is so easier to bitch and make it seem like you try and try and nothing is going your way and that is so. I know what I need to do and I know that it will work!! When I lost all the weight, I love working out, if I didn't I felt like CRAP!!! I could really tell the difference, I would feel tired and yucky when I didn't work out. I did a 45min step aerobics video an then my mom had this thing kinda like a bike but you used you, your arms and legs and pull yourself up and at night I did that for 15mins, plus I was very active. I was doing beauty school, high school and cheerleading. It is funny, I find the busier I am the better I am!!! Although my kids seem to take all the positive and engery I have in a matter of seconds, my goal is to find the the small surprises in the day and to look forward to that and to drink my darn water!!!!

not bad, not good, just a day

Well today was just a day. My back is killing me, so I didn't do a hole lot. I worked on Michelle's baby quilt, and it is sooo cute. I will post pictures as soon as it is done!! Lila went to school, she was so excited. I thought about doing for a walk but there is a lot of snow and it is melting..yuck!! Brit was wonderful tonight, he gave the girls a bath and washed dished because my back hurts so bad. Most of the time one of us does one chore while the other does the other chore. I don't even have a good story for everyone! My eating was not great but I did want to go to wendy's, I have been craving a hamburger and I resisted!! I didn't drink any water until tonight, and then I have only had a glass. Drinking is a real challenge for me! So my goals are....
1. DRINK WATER
2. TRY TO GET 5,000 STEPS
3. LAUNDRY!!! I HAVE NO CLOTHES!!!!

Well Crap!!!!

Well Crap! The day started so good! I was up finally feeling great! Today since I was feeling so good I want to catch up on my house work and get the girls ready for the week. Sophie was being great, she was helpful and wanted to clean, I didn't have to fight with her at all. The little girls were being really good as well. Before I knew it, we almost have the house clean! So it was the kitchens turn to get clean. I had three bags of trash that need to go out. I had my house shoes on, so I pick up two of them and headed out the door. I walked down the steps and then I stepped into the ground which had snow on it. As soon as I stepped down my feet flew up in the air and I hit the ground hard!!! I landed with my back hitting the corner of the step. I have never been in this much pain before! I got up and into the house. It knocked the air out of me for awhile. So now I am pretty sure I cracked a rib. I can't even lay on my back it hurts so bad. It sucks as soon as I get my shit together something always happens....or do I find excuses????? This is pretty painful but I am hoping it will be better tomorrow and I can started on my slim in 6, I have a feeling this is pretty bad, I would go to the Dr. but I don't think they can do anything for a cracked rib. So.......... my goals for tomorrow.
1. Drink my water!!!!!
2. try to get my steps in
3. eat well
4. "try" to do my workout.
Well I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow! It can only go up right?!?!?

what is the point!!!!

Really what is the point??? Man I am having a really hard time getting back to even care about my self, never mind wanting to improve myself!! If I get out of my retune I have a really hard time getting back into it. I got back from OK, which was tiring!!!! Then I get home and I get 2 of the worst colds I have had in along time. All the while I feel like the clock is ticking and I am losing time! So I start to think what is the point! I never leave my house, I am married and Brit loves me know matter what, the world is going to end in two years, why should I even try!!
I look around my house and the kids most definitely have control of the house. I can't stay in control of much if anything, really how do I think I will even get control back. I really think it can't be done. I can't motivate my self to do anything. All I really want to do is lay on my bed watch my soaps and play on the computer. I clean the house the kids just come behind me and destroy everything I have just done, if I leave it alone they won't touch anything. We are living in my grandparents house until we find another house. We wanted to be smart when we sold our house, we wanted to pay off everything before we bought since we are living rent free. So this is not my house I have no place to put anything, I can't paint or make anything better. I have no homes for anything so when I do clean I have know were to place anything. My grandparents still most of there stuff here. So that is depressing!!! I hate this house but good new we should start looking after the school year. Then I really feel like I really don't deserve to get a new house until I feel like I am worthy of getting one and that has to do with my weight!
I want to lose wight, I want a clean house, I WANT to move. How do I do all of this? I can't get control of anything!!!!!!! How do I take back my life, this is not who I am! I don't know how to get me back. I don't know where to even start. Why is it so easy for me to get of track and stay of track!!! Usually I can push this feelings down and find the positive in my life and I am hoping it is just because I am sick and tired that is why all of these feelings are so strong in me.


My goals for this week is to blog, it seems to help work out my feelings when I do! Then to fake it until I make it. And that is all I can do right now!!!!

The things that go though my head..........

Oh the things that go though my head...... First lets start at the beginning. This cold is kicking my ass or it is my little girls who thinks it is play time at 3am. Either way it is bullsh@t and I need some sleep!!! I was good today, I did my workout and was feeling pretty good. All of a sudden I got this weird feeling that my Aunt (who has been really sick) was not doing good and something was wrong. I called my mom and she told me she was not doing good at all. She has lung problems and her co2 levels were really high and her h2o was really low. Well I guess they took her off oxygen and she passed! She was only 63. She was my grandma's sister. She was a great and feisty lady. She loved to have a good time, the world is a darker place without her!!
So we all knew this was going to happen one day, her lungs were really bad and she has been in the hospital for a week or so. So after grieving for awhile... I start thinking crap, I am still fat and I am going down there still fat. I am really tired of being fat and not having cute clothes to ware. Then I am doing this 6 week workout program and I start thinking... Crap this is going to put me back a week or so, and what if I eat like crap down in OK ( that is were she lived). Mind you I am eating like crap up here at home, I know damn well I will eat sh*t down there. I mean really what is wrong with me???? Why can't I do something about this little hungry monster inside of me?!?!?
Worrying about my weight is the last thing I want to think about right now. I just lost my Aunt, someone I loved very much. I shouldn't have to have these little thoughts going though my head. Life is hard enough without worrying about my weight. So way can't I get control, really why, I need to know!!! This should be something easy compared to all the other crap in my life I deal with!!!!
So I have to go to wal-mart to get the girls food to eat while I am gone. So what do I do when I am on my way home, yes that is right.... I go and get a McFlurry. Really normal people don't eat and think like this, do they??? See what the problem is I do think normal people do eat like this, I think normal, skinny people eat whatever they want when they want. Then I start thinking well if they can, I deserve it also. The fact is people don't eat what they want when ever they want it. The people I want to be like get off there ass and move and don't eat crap. The people I want to be like eat to live NOT live to eat!!!!
So the good new is I believe my mind is starting to change but I still bet I will have another McFlurry the first chance I get!!! Other good news, I did my workout today and I will do it tomorrow! I was also thinking I will take my little portable dvd player and do my workout down there! I ate pretty good today, until tonight so.....

My goals for tomorrow....
1. clean my darn house!!!!!!
2. do some laundry so I have something to wear when I leave!!!!
3. DRINK WATER!!!!!
4. Do my workout, and my ab workout!!!
5. pack
6. 10000 steps!!!

A Hard Day

Man today was a hard day! I haven't slept in a few day but last night I slept really good!!! So I had a really hard time getting up and the littlest thing set me off. Just about anything made me mad!!! Ever since I had baby # 3 I have had really bad periods, I bleed really heavy and I loose lots of big clots, yes I know this is too much info...sorry but I get really tired and it is not alot of fun to move around because of this. So today I didn't want to do my slim in 6. I was depressed!!! I did it!!!! I got off my butt and did it!!! I worked out. Once I started doing it, it really wasn't a big deal. It felt good! Then I had a ice cream, Dr, Pepper float, I mean really what is wrong with me?!?! It didn't even taste good! One step forward and three back! It will get easier and I will not want a float someday, I just hope it will be someday soon!!! I am going to bed, and tomorrow it will be 2 steps forward and 1 step back!!!!

My steps!!

So today I did it!!!! I DID IT!!! I got 10918 steps, yes that is right!!! When my buzzer went off on my bodybugg It felt so good!!! I did my slim in 6 this morning and then I went for a walk. I am still getting over my cold and I started my period so I am not real excited to do anything!! I had to run into town and get my morning coke, yes that is right I am still drinking my coke! When I was at Loaf I got an ice cream bar and ate it in the car. Then I got home and I guess something clicked, I got the wii out and did my workout and I got all my steps in!! Yeah, I did it!!
Now it is time to talking about my eating!!! I am not sure if I would eat a tape worm, well I guess desperate time call for desperate measures!! Anyways, wouldn't that be great if you could take a little pill or something that would let you eat anything you want and as much as you want!!
I am having a really hard time controlling what I eat. I get tired or lazy and I just start eating. I think I need to eat more solid food. Right now, not really meaning to but I drink a lot of my meals. I have a shake after I work out in the morning and then for lunch I have a smoothy. I have alway had a hard time with lunch, either they are too big or they are too small. With the shake, I get full and it last for awhile but when my hungry comes back, man I get hungry!! Tomorrow, I will try harder and I really want to keep up with what I did today!!! I am getting sleepy and my husband has got me hooked on a show he is watching! What a great day!!!